And now for some lighthearted fun to help us into the weekend. 

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be working with my good friend Eric Metaxas on a series of song parodies about major presidential candidates. With any luck, Eric can make time in his busy apostolic schedule to sing and record them. Then busy hands will turn them into YouTube videos.

They will include candidates of both parties, because if you leave John Kasich out of anything, he’ll just come plant himself on your porch. This I know, because like him I am the son of a Croatian mailman.

The first installment is dedicated to Democratic front-runner former Vice President Joseph Biden, with all the respect due him. 

To the 1980 hit from The Police, “Don’t Stand So Close to Me,” it’s …

“Don’t Stand So Close to Joe.”

With apologies to The Police. And to Vladimir Nabokov. 

Old VP the bloodhound
Of schoolgirls’ hair shampoo.
She squirms or she winces
Knows what he’s gonna do.
Between them there’s no room
She cannot disengage.
Hair sniffing she’s so close now
This girl’s one tenth his age.

Don’t stand, don’t stand so
Don’t stand so close to Joe.
Don’t stand, don’t stand so
Don’t stand so close to Joe.

Their parents, so zealous
You know how mad dads get.
Sometimes it’s not so easy
To be Vice President.
Temptation, frustration
So bad it skews his tie.
Full Press Room, she’s beaming
Her ear is warm and dry.

Don’t stand, don’t stand so
Don’t stand so close to Joe.
Don’t stand, don’t stand so
Don’t stand so close to Joe.
 
Eyes roll in the West Wing.
They can’t control this guy.
Scared moms in the Press Room
They manage not to cry.
It’s no use.
He grabs her.
He starts to sniff and rub.
Just like the “bad boy” in
“Harry the Dirty Dog.”

Don’t stand, don’t stand so
Don’t stand so close to Joe
Don’t stand, don’t stand so
Don’t stand so close to Joe
Don’t stand, don’t stand so
Don’t stand so close to Joe

[Back:] (Please don’t stand so close to Joe)

[Repeat to fade]

In case you think this isn’t fair….