You love Christmas, and you love your family. But Christmas and family together might be a combo you don’t relish.

You could even be viewing your December 25th gathering with dread, knowing that at some point the political, theological, or social differences between family members will spring up like Marley’s ghost to ruin an otherwise pleasant day.

The holidays underscore two recent shifts: America has become terminally polarized, and the age-old wisdom of avoiding politics and religion at social events has been all but discarded.

That polarization will be felt at plenty of our Christmas tables, where conservatives will pass turkey to liberal family members. Once upon a time that was no big deal: It was, after all, Christmas, and custom forbade ruining the day with debates better left for other occasions. The proverbial Christmas spirit prompted left and right to call a truce, as God Bless Us Every One seemed more suitable than You Actually Voted For Him?

But with old rules discarded, somebody’s likely to poke somebody else with pointed questions about Hunter Biden, transgender, Trump, Hamas, border security, or who’s really to blame for practically everything.

So that’s the social context for our upcoming Christmas dinners. Some of us won’t feel the effect, since our family members are pretty much on the same page, or if not, they won’t let that come between them. But others of us — you, perhaps — aren’t so blessed.

You can see it all now. Everyone’s seated, dinner’s been served, and conversations begin. They know you’re the Christian with conservative views. Maybe you’re the only one, or maybe you’re the only one who’ll admit it. Either way, it goes well until dessert, when your contentious uncle introduces his thoughts on a hot topic, and looks your way for comment or rebuttal.

All eyes turn to you. Dead silence. Well?

“What Sayest Thou of Thyself?”

That’s what they asked John the Baptist (John 1:22), and it’s still a relevant question, one we should ask ourselves when tensions rise. It speaks to our identity, and our priorities.

So what do we say of ourselves? Before any political leanings we are ambassadors of Christ (II Corinthians 5:20), representing Him and His Kingdom. Our goal, then, is not so much to win an argument as it is to represent Him well, knowing that the best argument without the right attitude is a big clang (I Corinthians 13:1). We’re also apologists, ever ready to give an answer (I Peter 3:15). We’re servants of the Lord who are commanded not to strive, but to be gentle to all (II Timothy 2:24).

Remind yourself of that when you’re in the hot seat, and you’ll be well on your way to navigating those tricky Christmas dinner waters.

As you do so, here are three approaches you might find helpful.

Refrain

One of my favorite lines from the classic film All About Eve is, “Ya want an answer, or do ya want an argument?” Sometimes, when you know the question is just bait and the goal isn’t an answer but a verbal duel, then silence isn’t just golden. It’s also smart.

Jesus often chose that kind of silence, refusing to answer people who were baiting Him. He knew their questions were more manipulative than honest (Mark 11:28-33). That’s the same wisdom behind the advice offered in Proverbs 17:14: “Leave off contention before it be meddled with.” There’s a place for refraining from a comment, if you have good reason to believe it will turn into more of a power play than an honest exchange.

So it might be smart, when Uncle Al throws the hook and everyone’s waiting for you to bite, to say, “Hey, it’s good hearing your opinion. You want my view? I think this pie is too good for me to think about anything else just now.”

Reframe

Sometimes the situation calls for a more direct answer, in the form of reframing. You reframe when you appeal to the bigger issue at hand. Then in light of that, you ask whether or not the question just asked is really worth pursuing. Something like, “I’m old fashioned enough to think Christmas dinner isn’t the place for politics. But hey, Al, let’s get lunch next week and debate our heads off! But not tonight.”

Years ago, I was asked my opinion of Christians attending same-sex weddings. Usually, I won’t shy away from giving a direct answer to that question. I believe we shouldn’t, and I’m convinced there are clear biblical reasons for that belief. But on this occasion, I was at a birthday dinner party with a mixed group, some Christian, some not.

The host had a lesbian sister, and I knew he had just attended her wedding to her partner. Someone else there (a backslidden believer, if I remember correctly) had asked the question about Christians going to gay weddings, putting me and my beliefs on the spot.

Part of me was itching to say, “No, I would never go to something like that, and here’s why.” Another part of me, though remembered Paul’s advice in Romans 14:16: “Let not your good be evil spoken of.”

That’s when I felt a check. If I stopped the party by explaining why Christians should never celebrate sin, would that be wise? It would be the truth, of course, but was this the time and place to express it? I decided it wasn’t.

Instead I replied, “As a Christian, I take a traditional view on marriage, and I’d love to sit down and talk with about that some time. But we’re here to celebrate a birthday, so let’s connect later and pick a time we can hash this out.” That’s the reframe approach, and it’s useful.

Remain

Sometimes, though, you’ll feel convinced that remaining firm in your position, and in your resolve to speak it plainly, is what’s called for. The best course to follow then is to state your position without apology. “Yes, I voted for him;” “No, I don’t think they’re right;” “Yes, I do believe this about that.”

Clarity is a must. Therefore your first job is to inform, not to persuade. Of course you’ll also want to persuade, but whether or not they’re convinced by your arguments, you should at least do your best to let them know what those arguments are.

You want them to understand what you believe, why you believe it, and how you put that belief into practice. You can’t always fit all that into the conversation, and they won’t always be ready to hear it. But if you aim to cover those bases, wisely and prayerfully, you’ll be on the right track.

How Would Jesus Dine?

Jesus dined with sinners, always in love, yet never compromising truth. The apostle John tells us, “Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.” (1 John 2:6). So this Christmas, when dining with loved ones and wondering how to best navigate the tension of differences, follow Jesus’ example, and you’ll be a good steward of His truth.

 

Joe Dallas is an author, conference speaker, and ordained pastoral counselor. He directs a biblical counseling ministry for those dealing with sexual and relational problems, and with their families as well. He is the author of Desires in Conflict, The Game Plan, When Homosexuality Hits Home, Five Steps to Breaking Free from Porn and his latest, Speaking of Homosexuality.