Editor’s Note: No, the “Haitians grilling cats” story is not a hoax. Dogged investigative journalist Christopher Rufo has thoroughly proven that. Check out his detailed report on the ugly facts about the “refugees” which the Biden/Harris regime intentionally sent to Trump-voting areas like Springfield, Ohio.

CBS News has published a response to the “Cat Eaters of Ohio” story. It’s a supremely dishonest and completely partisan report, but let’s break it down, to show exactly how the establishment media maintains its lines of propaganda.

The CBS report hinges on two arguments.…

— Christopher F. Rufo ⚔️ (@realchrisrufo) September 15, 2024

And more:

The Springfield City Manager—the main source that the Left, the media, and progressive Christians were relying on to claim “no one is eating cats”—lied.

He admits that there were complaints in March of Haitians eating pets.

Total vindication.
pic.twitter.com/5GLXup1xwX

— William Wolfe 🇺🇸 (@William_E_Wolfe) September 18, 2024

With that settled, here is my contribution to the immigration debate. Having written a book, and dozens of articles, to try to move the needle on this particular issue, even as my pope spews heresy on the subject, I have come to realize that the only option left is … doggerel. In the spirit of Dr. Seuss, enjoy the following vision of what we hope will happen as the craziness continues.

 

The town was dull white

And its voters rust-red.

Its churches were backward

And families male-led.

 

So virtuous strangers

Who lived far away

Behind iron gates

Shouted, “Anchors aweigh!”

 

They sent boats crammed with strangers

Of alien tongue,

And curious customs,

To make Springfield young!

 

Recruited from shanties

And sprung out of jail

Unschooled in the basics …

These guests couldn’t fail!

 

Because each would bring with him

Irrefutable claims

On Christian compassion

That served pagan aims.

 

They were loaded with tax funds,

And freebies and goodies

To enrich our poor Rust Belt

With machetes and hoodies.

 

 

The mayor and governor

And factory barons

Cashed fat checks and signed on,

And so did the Karens!

 

And O how those Karens

Clucked and crowed with delight

At the chance to rebuke,

And reprove, and indict!

 

They practice-wagged fingers

And rehearsed epic rants.

And carefully ironed

Their boss-lady pants.

 

Soon the town was enriched

With new dozens each day

Who spoke, lived, and ate

In a real different way.

 

O how thrilling and noble,

Exciting and sexy!

The poor love-starved Karens

Neared apoplexy.

 

We know change is good

And “different” is better,

While “diverse” is the best.

It’s the only strength-getter!

 

There was only one fly

In this virtuous ointment.

Just one turd in the punchbowl

That caused disappointment.

 

The town was still stuffed

With “legacy” people

Obsolete rednecks,

Deplorable sheeple.

 

They didn’t all vanish

Or turn into Haitians.

Some showed up at meetings

And voiced their impatience.

 

“These people are eating our cats,”

Some did say.

“And beheading our geese

In a most gruesome way.

 

“They’re cashing fat checks

And slaughtering pigs.

When we grew up here

Springfield was nothing like this.”

 

The mayor and the Karens

Soon swung into action.

They cancelled the meetings

To halt such detraction.

 

They “fact-checked” the bigots,

Shamed those who dissented

With cool threats of hellfire

Pope Francis had lent them.

 

“If you won’t sit mum

As we slowly replace you

We’ll use all our mojo

To quickly disgrace you.

 

“We’ll label you bigots

And haters and racists

Who in Britain see prison

Taking cells from the rapists.

 

“We’ll spy on your churches,

And ban you from banking.

You will see how your betters

Deliver a spanking.

 

“We’ll rig all your votes,

Toss your Orange Man in jail,

Or find crazies to shoot him

If our judges all fail.”

 

But the stalwarts of Springfield

Black, white, and brown

Wouldn’t be buffaloed

Out of their town.

 

They kept on complaining

And soon people listened.

Not everyone’s scared

Of being imprisoned.

 

Not all politicians

Are afraid to dodge bullets.

Not all pastors are Karens,

Not all voters are helots.

 

And soon a loud rumble

Arose through our land,

As the quiet and humble

Made a do-or-die stand.

 

From city and prairie

From suburb and farm

A gathering chorus

Sounded like an alarm.

 

It couldn’t be silenced

It couldn’t be muted

It couldn’t even 

Be prosecuted.

 

Once the good folk of Springfield

Had spoken up for us,

The words just emerged

As a national chorus:

 

“We will not eat grilled Haitian cat,

We won’t take off that MAGA hat.

We won’t be throttled by your gag

And we won’t let you burn our flag.

 

“We will not let you trans our kids

Or mandate what good God forbids.

We won’t let you start World War III.

And we will keep our country free.”

 

The mayor and governors

Bought pastors and Karens,

Censors and spooks,

And cheap labor barons

 

Blustered and sputtered

Slandered and cancelled

… Then folded, and cowered

Once they saw they’d be trampled.

 

A free nation emerged

From those poor kitties’ ashes

Not haunted by traitors

Or Deep State assassins.

 

And that country now proudly

Stokes up its grill

With burgers and hot dogs:

A city on a hill.

 

John Zmirak is a senior editor at The Stream and author or coauthor of 10 books, including The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration and The Politically Incorrect Guide to Catholicism. His newest book is No Second Amendment, No First.