Her name was Gladys. She sat at a desk across from me and spoke softly. My mind wandered. Her hair was a wild, black mop on top of her head. I was brought back sharply by a question. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked. She went on to explain that I needed biopsies. Two biopsies. They wanted to check for cancer. 

It was left to my imagination as to the chances that it could be cancer. It was just matter of fact. “When can you come back for the biopsies?”

In Slow Motion

A week later, I lay face down on a cold, hard table. The clock’s hands ticked by slowly. It read “SHARP” in the middle. How mundane, I thought. It’s the mundane things that leave such an impression on me at a time like this. Everything else is going on like it’s all fine, but I’m not. I’m in slow motion. 

Once in a while the doctor poked her head above the elevated table. “You doing okay?” she’d ask. Or she’d tell me they were almost finished taking one of the “samples.” A nurse stood by and rubbed and patted my back. “You’re doing good,” she said.

I tried to breathe. Just breathe, I thought. It wasn’t easy. My neck was at such an angle that it went to sleep. 

How am I doing good? I questioned. Because I was still? I wasn’t crying? I was in shock that this was me. This is where I am now. This is my life.

Is God Still in Control?

I think about all of the recent events. Does this mean God loves me less? Does this mean He’s not in control? Of course not. He loves me endlessly and still has a plan for my life. I believe that. I must. I love the verse about God knowing when a sparrow falls. Jesus said, “So don’t be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.” He also said he has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11).

I’ve always believed that God knows the number of my days and that when it’s my time I will join Him. Not until then. This situation doesn’t change my belief. But it also doesn’t mean I won’t have troubles. When I walk through dark times, He’s still there. Isaiah 43:2 says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

“You’ve never failed me yet,” goes the song, Do It Again, from Elevation Music. “Great is Your faithfulness … I’ve seen You move … the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again.” I love the song because I’m reminded of all the times God has moved mountains for me as I prayed. Like the time when my son was lethargic, throwing up and had a fever. I prayed over him and within moments he was asking for something to drink and eat. His fever was gone. Or like the time I prayed that if He wanted me to go to graduate school that He would pay for it. I received a full scholarship. 

I hope to have the biopsy results before this weekend. Whatever the results, God is here with me. I know because I’ve experienced Him through the dark times as well as the good times.

He is faithful and hasn’t left me. And He still moves mountains.

Update: The biopsy results came back negative for cancer. While I praise God for this, I know that had the results been different, He still would’ve been there, walking with me every step of the way. He’s promised us this and He is faithful.