Mr. Trump, thank you for coming. Please sit down. Would you like some water? Okay, thanks. I’ll have some, though. This might take a while.

I thoroughly enjoyed your recent speech at CPAC. You really are masterful at handling a crowd. Some of my more academic friends prefer you to stay “on script.” But some of your very best moments have been spontaneous. I think that’s a big part of your appeal to millions of voters. Which of course is a very strong qualification, as you rightly note in your application letter.

No More Chamber of Commerce Stooges

We do indeed need a candidate who can win. Not some veal-pale, smarmy corporate clone who repeats the talking points of the Chamber of Commerce and a few snooty thinktanks inside the Beltway — full of Ivy League grads who couldn’t get themselves elected dogcatcher in North Korea. I’m not sure you ever said that, but it’s the kind thing you might say. Which is a big reason we brought you here for a third interview. You move people. For every insufferable prig at a so-called conservative magazine you run off, you win ten or twenty votes from one-time Democrat loyalists.

Life Comes First

I’ll be honest. I’ve been a strong supporter of yours. Not at first, I’ll say. You were a social liberal for many years. When you said you’d become pro-life, I was frankly dubious. I mean, Mitt Romney said that, didn’t he? Who believed it? But in office you proved yourself a man of your word on that issue.

It’s not central to all Republicans, but it is central to me. And millions of GOP primary voters. For us, contempt for innocent life taints the very essence of the country. It makes us think we’re living on borrowed time, in two senses. One, to be honest, that we’ll end up being euthanized, once Social Security goes bust. The old Andrew Cuomo COVID-soaked pillow over the elderly taxpayer’s face, know what I mean?

Two, that God will finally … give up on America, withdraw His blessings, decide that the American Exception has been revoked. Then we’ll go the way of the Byzantine Empire or something. We’ll be a collapsed regime whose old-timey coins get swapped by nerds on eBay.

Obviously, you care about that. The slogan “Make American Great Again” resonated with citizens in every state. You helped Republican candidates win across the country, even come close to winning back the House in 2020. And of course I agree with you about the extent and impact of election fraud. 

The Evil of Two Lessers

We on the hiring Committee see a lot that we like. A lot. But we also have some questions. Performance issues from last time. Now I know it would be easy for us to overlook these issues, to say, “Who’s the alternative? Do we really want to give back the party to the Mitt Romneys, Mitch McConnells, Liz Cheneys and Nikki Haleys of this world? Do we want the Republican nomination to revert to being a golden parachute for the dullest senators or governors in the country? And the Republicans to go back to playing like the Washington Generals, losing gracefully to make the Globetrotters look good?”

Obviously not. But here’s the thing: thinking like that is how the GOP got here. That is to say, so anemic and pathetic that it rolled over for election theft. We’d hold our nose and vote for whatever lame preppy the Party nominated. Why? Because Al Gore, or Barack Obama, was even worse. That’s not how to run a party. It’s a great way to make sure the country keeps stumbling toward a cliff, in fact. It’s how we ended up with the Oligarchy, The Hive, censoring our speech and canceling everyone to the right of John Kasich, in fact.

Instead of settling for the evil of two lessers, we need to find candidates who will take on the real threats to America, virtually all of which come from within. So yes, you’re obviously better than the vomitous alternatives which NeverTrump twits will cough up like furballs. That’s not good enough, I’m afraid.

CAWVDTT, Inc., Has Questions

Which is why on behalf of the Committee of Americans Who Voted for Donald Trump Twice (CAWVDTT, lousy unpronounceable acronym, I know), I’m posing these questions for you. Some of them will have follow-ups. I look forward to your answers.

1. Why didn’t you, as promised, “lock her up?” Why did Hillary Clinton and her team skate on all those apparent violations of law? Where was the investigation of the Clinton Foundation, which harvested all that Russian cash? Her email breaches and cover-up? Once the Russiagate hoax showed you the Democrats were playing hardball, why’d you keep playing t-ball? How do we know that won’t happen again, if you win?
2. Why did you hire one Swamp Creature after another, and leave the Deep State in place?
3. If you tell me that you couldn’t find better alternatives, I’m sorry that’s not good enough. We will need to find someone who can. How will you hire differently next time? What sources will you trust?
4. Joe Biden just demanded the resignations of every US attorney in the country, as Barack Obama did. Why didn’t you? Why leave all those Democrat picks in place?
5. At the end of your term, you signed a bunch of excellent executive orders, on issues from asylum abuse to teaching America’s founding principles. Why weren’t those in your first 100 days, instead of your last? No Democrats wait that long. What’s wrong with us?
6. Why did you listen to Mike Pence instead of General Flynn? Are you going to fire the aides who suggested you pick a long list of people, from General Kelly, to Nikki Haley, to Bill Barr? They’re not your friends, or America’s.
7. After the Russia Hoax exploded, why didn’t you act much more aggressively to purge the FBI that cooked it up?
8. Why didn’t you make your signature issue, immigration, the focus of legislation when the GOP still controlled Congress? How would the first two years of a Jeb Bush administration have been any different than your first two?
9. Where did the money go? The $617 million that Brad Parscale allegedly mishandled, while pulling down ads in swing states just before the 2020 election? Is Jared Kushner still working with Parscale? Non-partisan groups assert that the money was funneled via shell corporations to members of your family. We’d like to know where that money your supporters donated — from their paychecks, these aren’t big corporate gifts — ended up. The IRS and FEC will want to know too. How will you stop that from blowing up in the press just a few news cycles before a general election?
10. What will you do to destroy the media and tech monopolies that are stifling free speech? Will you flout GOP orthodoxy and use antitrust powers to break them up? Or else what’s the point of winning an election in the first place, if the power still resides with the Democrats?

We thank you for your service to the country, Mr. Trump. If you can answer these concerns adequately, I think we can make you an offer. Otherwise, I look forward eagerly to the launching of TrumpTV, TrumpBook, and TrumpPay. 

John Zmirak is a senior editor at The Stream, and author or co-author of ten books, including The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration and The Politically Incorrect Guide to Catholicism. He is co-author with Jason Jones of “God, Guns, & the Government.”