There’s a new pro-choice video circulating from the good folks at NARAL, which is a sort of spoof of Jerry Seinfeld’s “Comedians in a Car Getting Coffee” series. Unlike the Seinfeld series, this video stars two D-List comedians (Alice Wetterlund and Nato Green) in a desperately unfunny skit, telling uninspired lies about the abortion laws in America. As an experienced screenwriter, I knew I could do better. So I did.

FADE IN:

EXT-DRIVEWAY-DAY

MEDIUM SHOT of a RED PRIUS.

ANNOUNCER (V.O):

This is a shot of an aspirational car brand, one which you wish you could afford but you can’t because you still owe $70,000 for that B.A. in Cultural Studies. It’s also a redemptive car brand, since buying cars like this will save the earth or something. By showing it so prominently, with arch self-mocking commentary, we’re hoping you think that Toyota is supporting our cause through product placement, which is also kind of a cool cultural reference to 30 Rock. They did jokes like this all the time. Get it? Did you see what we did?

ALICE and NATO are sitting in a car, NATO in the passenger seat, with a SCRIPT in his lap. He shuffles pages, stares at it.

                NATO

So this is that gig you were telling me about.

                ALICE

Yes. You kept telling me you needed work. This. Is Work.

                NATO

For pay, right? Not points or goodwill or “connections,” right? Actual money.

                ALICE

Yes. SAG scale, plus a bonus of five if it goes viral.

                NATO

Five each? Or five total? How viral? How many hits are we talking about?

                ALICE

Yes…. Five each. A hundred thousand hits. I’m pretty sure it will do that. There are like, a thousand interns from Wesleyan and Marquette and Georgetown working for NARAL et cetera, who will be posting and reposting it full time for the whole week of the anniversary.

                NATO

Anniversary of what?

                ALICE

It was a year ago yesterday or something that those snake-handling anti-choicers infiltrated Planned Parenthood. Tricked them into naming their prices for… you know…

 

 

NATO

Coolers full of dead baby parts? Like a KFC “family bucket,” with wings and legs. …

She glares at him.

NATO

Too much? I was going for shock. You like it when I do that sometimes. Remember my “Charlie Hebdo Ho-Down? You liked that.

(BEAT.)

Didn’t Louis C.K. say that sometimes you just gotta say “Faggot”?

 ALICE

Yeah, well this c**p isn’t really funny.

  NATO

But we’re supposed to do a comedy video about it? Abortion, ha ha ha. And that’s going to help our careers exactly how?

ALICE

Look, it doesn’t really have to be funny. How often are you funny anyway? It’s more like a Marc Maron thing, where you get two sour, not-super-attractive people — but within range, definitely within beer-goggle range —

NATO

Well that would be us. On a good day.

ALICE

… And you shove them together into excruciating situations, and watch them bite off little pieces of each other. They have this really sour, misanthropic dialogue, which resonates with the viewers, the tensions builds, and then when you have a little schtick at the end, everybody watching it is so relieved that they laugh. Rinse and repeat. You know the formula.

NATO

Yeah. It works for Marc. And Louie.

ALICE

Plus we’ll be making friends with this thing. Big friends. This could open doors. We might end up having brunch at the White House.

NATO

Seriously?

ALICE

No, you’re pathetic. It will get us meetings. There is no downside to being out front on this issue. Especially if some TV preacher or Alabama congressman comes out and denounces us.

NATO

That would be nice. I want to be called a “babykiller” on The 700 Club. No downside to that.

ALICE

Exactly. So you’ve read it, right? What do you think?

NATO

Meh.

ALICE

What do you mean?

NATO

I mean, the satire’s not exactly searing, is it? You have the nurse at the anti-choice clinic quoting the Bible right up front. Scares the customers right off. They don’t actually do that, do they? Just seems kind of … stupid.

 ALICE

Okay. …

NATO

I mean, why not have them start speaking in tongues, or have a nun in there dressed like a penguin saying the Rotary.

ALICE

Rosary. It’s “rosary.” How do you not know that?

NATO

Why should I? What am I, Italian?

ALICE

You should know that from seeing The Exorcist.

 NATO

You know what? That was funnier. The Exorcist was funnier than this abortion comedy script, that you think we should do because it will help our careers.

ALICE

Okay, fine … it’s not funny.

NATO

Maybe that’s a good idea. We could have you pregnant with a demon baby, who curses in Latin from the womb or something.

ALICE

Stop, just stop. The script is the script. It’s done, it’s vetted, there’s no space for any improv. Just read the lines, get paid, get invited to brunch with Jerry Zimmer. Is that too complicated for you?

NATO

Zimmer? He’s behind this?

ALICE

No. That was an example. People like Jerry Zimmer will be very happy to see this. They will smile upon us for making it. Okay? Are you doing some literal-minded-Asberger’s thing, right now?

NATO

No. No way. Making fun of the handicapped is totally done — The Onion could pull it off five years ago, with the Autistic Reporter, but the culture has moved on now. Total blowback if you tried that now.

ALICE

So can we do this now? The crew is booked for tomorrow morning.

NATO

It’s just, I don’t see any conflict. Apart from you know, the bickering. These people, they drive to one clinic, find out it’s a bunch of Christians, they meet some conspiracy nut who smears them with ice cream, they go to another place that does abortions. That’s it. Where’s the arc?

ALICE

Didn’t you READ it? The actual clinic can’t do the abortion for them. They have to show them pictures of the “baby,” and there’s a 32-hour waiting period. Did you miss that punchline about having to go to Uruguay to actually get an abortion?

NATO

Yeah, but none of that is true. We don’t have laws like that, really anywhere, right?

ALICE

Doesn’t matter.

NATO

But people are going to know. They’re going to know we’re making stuff up, and this thing will have no credibility. What’s the point?

ALICE

They won’t know and it doesn’t matter. You know what matters? Choice is cool. Choice is hipster, it’s Millennial, it’s Green. … It’s ironic and dark. It’s everything people want to be. That’s what this video does. Okay? You happy?

NATO

No.

ALICE

Good. Because no one else is either. That’s why there’s no point in squeezing out any more rugrats, who are just gonna be miserable too.

NATO

Okay, there I agree with you. … Let’s do it!

FADE OUT